Ave Maria Part One

I apologize for not really staying on top of this whole blogging thing. Sometimes I have to choose between blogging and letter writing and letter writing almost always wins. I think it's important to note what music I'm listening to right now because that has a singular effect on the content of what I write. I'm currently listening to Ave Maria sung by Luciano Pavarotti on Pandora radio and it is brilliant. For some reason, my hormones are changing or something and I'm moved to tears very easily (as I write this with tears in my eyes). I can't really explain it; perhaps a woman thing?

Wow, I'm easily distracted. Back to what I actually wanted to write about which is what God is doing in my life right now. In an effort to be transparent here with whoever reads this, I'm going to be upfront about my spiritual struggles and not try to cover everything up with a pathetic facade which, I'll admit, I'm prone to doing. For weeks, I had despaired of not finding any fellow Christians besides my roommate and just stagnating in my spiritual life.

That all changed in Oxford. Last week, the entire program went to Oxford for a week to stay at the University College and experience what it's like to be a student there. The outcome of this move was that we all had more of an opportunity to mix with other people in the program outside of those in our house and in our classes. Sunday morning comes around having just arrived the day before and many of us troop over to Christ Church (name of a college, not a church) to attend a service. The service was quite remarkable: the choir sung magnificently, the church itself was breathtaking, and non-Christians were attending a church service which to me was the most remarkable thing of all. Anyways, after the service, I talked to a few other people about what they thought of the service and that started us on the topic of our own religious leanings; there are more Christians in the group than I had realized.

So Oxford was the beginning but this last week, there's an e-mail that's sent out to everyone in the program that advertises a Bible Talk that a member of the ASE program had put together for Tuesday evening. I decided to come just to show her support for courageously doing what I hadn't even thought to do. On an aside, I talked to Ruth the other day about missed opportunities in sharing the gospel and how even if we miss out, God will provide other means for the truth to be proclaimed...like that passage in Esther, "And they told Mordecai what Esther had said. Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, "Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:12-14)

Well, God certainly provided a means for truth to be proclaimed even within the secular confines of an academic program studying in England. I went to the bible study and two other people besides myself and Emily, the person who put the bible study together, were there. Regardless of numbers, I was tremendously encouraged by her courage and initiative to study God's word in "dark" places. We looked at a passage in the gospel of Mark that spoke of Jesus' baptism and how extraordinary that was. We also ate chocolate. :) One girl that came was Catholic and the other was Jewish... I am very excited to see where this goes and what God intends to do with this study. Despair is futile when you're a child of God; He gives us hope, and a future, and a purpose.

Whoever reads this, please pray for this study and for the Christians in this program to be bold in proclaiming the gospel. I'm now listening to classical Christmas music (Still, Still, Still on the Christmas Adagios album); apparently I didn't realize that Ave Maria is Christmas music. ;)

Til later my friends, cheers!

First Impressions

This is the first blog post that I've written since arriving in England so I'm kind of feeling the pressure to make it really impressive, full of fantastic stories about my adventures, and at the same time, provide meaningful insight into all these new places that I've been seeing and exploring. Except--I don't really like to write meaningless lists of places where I and probably millions of other tourists have been. My mom asked me to keep a travel journal so each evening right before I go to bed, I write a few sentences in a purple notebook that I purchased in the U.K. that basically describe what activities and events my day is comprised of. Since that's hardly a huge commitment, places that I have visited will be ascribed meaning because I interacted with them and have unique impressions of said place--in my journal for my personal recollection; not because I consider it private, but because it's meaningless outside of that context! I live what E.M. Forster would call the "inner life" as opposed to the "outer life" as most of my personality--my thoughts, opinions, feelings--stay inside my head. Often, I don't feel like I can accurately articulate this inner monologue and my goofiness around friends and acquaintances is hardly enough to make me an extrovert.
So, I'm here in Bath--this is probably what you expect me to talk about in a blog post but I have hardly anything to say on the subject. Buildings are impressive; people are British, things are expensive; and I just feel incredibly sad. This is something that I struggle with...maybe other Christians feel this burden as well? Most, if not all, I think, of the other people that I've met in the program--the Americans--are not Christians. Of course, that's a sweeping assessment considering how short a time we've all been together but we'll see if that assessment changes. In Orientation, Ruth and I have had many excellent opportunities to talk to the others about whether or not they're interested in joining a Christian group. I actually talked to one of my new housemates, Sam, about this and we had a very interesting conversation that just broke my heart. We were filling out a sheet where you can indicate which groups you're interested in joining and she mentioned that though she doesn't believe in any specific religious doctrine (a "lapsed Catholic," she said, managing a chuckle), she still feels compelled to pursue social justice. I responded by nodding my head and murmuring "yeahs" as if I sympathized, or worse, agreed with her! Another housemate "friended" me on facebook and I saw listed under her religious beliefs that hateful word, "atheist." I don't hate these people, mind you; I hate myself for not being bold enough to take them aside and tell them the simple truth: that God loves them and sent His Son to die for them on the cross. At the Tenth Avenue North concert that I attended a few weeks back, the lead singer guy used his parents and a random guy to illustrate a simple concept. There's "Jesus" standing there (his dad) and he had random guy hold hands with "Jesus" (they did the hand holding in a very manly fashion that made me laugh). Anyways, he has random guy/ Christian take hold of his mom's hand (she was the token sinner). Then-- here's the cool part--random guy now forms a connection between "Jesus" and "sinner." Then random guy brings sinner's hand to "Jesus." Very cool. I like that illustration because it shows me exactly why I need to have non-Christian friends! It is imperative! Lots of the ASE folks went pub-hopping tonight to celebrate some guy's b-day. Ruth and I are just hanging out at Linley House, skyping and relaxing.
Sorry I thwarted any expectations that would fill you in as to what my room looks like and what I'm eating and if I'm drinking a lot of tea (yes, to that question)...if you have specific questions about my study abroad experience thus far, please ask! I'll do my best to answer.

Good News and Bad News

Don't be fooled by the title of this post. The news to which I am referring is not life changing nor is it earth shattering (that might be an expression that I just made up). I am merely bringing up the sensation of receiving news of both natures in a very short period of time. Yes, that nauseating roller coaster sensation except instead of starting on the ground and shooting up into the air, receiving the good news first feels like you have started off somewhere in the sky and the bad news is what plummets you back to the ground. All you have left at the end of this roller coaster ride is queasiness in the pit of your stomach and breath caught in your chest, unable to fully exhale.

Shall I begin with the good news? I received a letter today from Brinker International, aka, Romano's Macaroni Grill. I was a hostess at this restaurant during my senior year of high school and into the summer. Anyways, the letter (which I no longer have in my possession since I put in in another envelope with my signature and blessings and posted immediately) said something to the effect of "we owe you $189 and some change, please provide your telephone number, and a signature and we'll mail it to you asap." YES. Normally I get things in the mail that ask me for money so it is a rare surprise for money to flow the other way towards me. With all the expenses of England coming up, this is a blessing to be certain! Thank you God for almost $200 that I didn't expect!

So with all good things in life, bad things always accompany (wow, this sounds pessimistic). The thorns with the roses, as they say--or do they? My sister called within five minutes of me finding out about this lost paycheck of mine to tell us that she's coming home early from training. I'd rather not go into the details of this in such a public setting but I will say that this will devastate my parents. Since I'm not really going to be home that much in this next month, I will probably not see her much. Does that sound callous? Yes, probably but it's impossible to relate our entire history in a blog. When I was younger, I would read The Sweet Valley High books--don't judge, that was quality literature back then-- and fantasize about what it would be like to have a sister that I actually got along with. Kelly and I get along better now that many, many miles separate us but we've never really had that wholesome relationship that encompasses long conversations, shared jokes, nights on the town (not that I really go out for many, if any, "nights on the town" but it was merely part of the illustration). Many of my friends do have very close relationships with their sisters and sometimes, I envy them.

God gives each of us different trials in our lives and to avoid the risk of merely throwing platitudes around, I shall not try to paint myself as some kind of brilliant heroine here. All too often, I take the "Jonah" approach to these trials and attempt to run from them, as far and as fast as possible. Some things are just too hard for me to face on my own so I don't even try to face them. They make me feel humiliated and embarrassed. Then again, maybe I need to lose some of my pride, some of this shiny veneer that I've caked around myself, or rather, the image that I project to the world. God will humble me; probably not in a way that I can control or anticipate but I can look to Him for strength to survive it. So many public figures crumble once that veneer is stripped away because there's nothing underneath. I could provide examples but we all can summon names if we tried.

I'm re-reading the Mitford series because I always find depth and richness even within the simple small-town setting. Anyways, Father Tim, the protagonist, finds this quote from Dietrich Bonhoeffer's Life Together:
"We prevent God from giving us the great spiritual gifts He has in store for us, because we do not give thanks for daily gifts. We think we dare not be satisfied with the small measure of spiritual knowledge, experience, and love that has been given to us, and that we must constantly be looking forward eagerly for the highest good. Then we deplore the fact that we lack the deep certainty, the strong faith, and the rich experience that God has given to others, and we consider this lament to be pious...Only he who gives thanks for little things receives the big things."

Potpourri

To explain the title, in Jeopardy, when they can't think of a category to put many random things in, they call it "potpourri." So, here is some randomness that defies categorization.

It's Sunday and I'm sitting here in Tabernacle Baptist Church listening to some Mat Kearney (if you do not know who that is, that needs to change because he is an amazing artist). We, the Impact staff, got back from the Eastern Shore yesterday and we then proceeded to start the unpacking/clean-up process--which I despise. I'm glad that I have a very motivated team to work with but they like to work late at night which does not work for me. Though last night was mainly a blur, I went to go help them with counting the "Change Matters" money, counted a dollar and seventy-five cents---in pennies-- (I think? o_O) and passed out. Oh yeah, I'm almost certain that I snored because when I'm not sleeping in a bed, something about the alignment messes up my breathing patterns, and did I mention that I was exhausted?

I purchased my plane ticket to England a few days ago!! I depart for London, Heathrow airport on August 24th and return December 22nd. If you can't tell, I'm pretty excited about this semester abroad thing. The traveling, the new experiences, the newness of everything is so invigorating to me. However, I worry that I'm getting too excited about the idealized version of everything that if everything does not go according to plan, then it will result in bitter disappointment. I'm trying not to get my expectations up too high but I also like to be prepared so I've been reading Rick Steve's travel books. Typical me, I know. Maybe being prepared will prevent disappointment? Well, something that has been stressed in travel books is the importance of flexibility. Oh yes, also, when I write of my travels, I shall try to not just recount a list of places that I go to but reflect on how I engage with those places and what I learn from them. This is a promise that my reader(s) must keep me accountable on, promise?

In the meantime, before I depart for England, I am super excited about the things between now and August 24th. CO Liz is coming back for her week long vacation from school and training and all that is associated with military academy life. So, I shall see her and I think I can coerce her into going to see the HP movie again which I have yet to see and perhaps, Star Trek as well? This summer hasn't really provided much time for movies with the exception of My Sister's Keeper which I saw during my three day long vacation two weeks ago. Also, I plan on making a trip up to NY to see K.Tite hopefully with the K.Jones but I am going to practice being flexible. ;) Finally, the 16th is the Tenth Avenue North concert which means I will get to see and hang out with the Mary Wash crowd before I leave!

I think this has the fragrant aroma of potpourri and randomness! I'd love to hear others' summer plans and such. Surprise me.

What Can I Possibly Say?

Tonight, Thursday night, is, at "Christian camp," frequently called the "boo-hoo bonanza." A.K.A. a world-class cry fest. I don't like that it is referred to as such because lasting spiritual reformation does not come as a result of shedding a few tears while you're hugging your friends and then--it's over. The end. Cry fests don't usually involve spiritual reflection that draws us to some aspect of Christ; rather, they serve as an outlet for pent-up emotions that come at the end of a week filled with hard labor and late nights.

Then--it happened. Dana was playing the last song on his guitar ("All in All," I think?) and a young man approached me. I was sitting on the steps on the side of the stage kind of singing along completely unprepared for anyone to actually take up the offer to talk to a staffer if they needed to. I was the staff member of choice for Josh. He looked...to be honest, a bit preppy and sounded a bit preppy too; you know, the polo shirt, gelled hair, polished look. He was a different breed from the group that I hung out with in high school.

He sat down next to me and just started talking about how lost and empty he is feeling. Like he can't grasp God's existence and he's tired of pretending that he does. I mean, I know how the guy feels; he has a reputation to live up to since he serves on Youth council (or something like that) at his church and has to set an example for the younger members of his church. The guy was hurting and emptied his guts to me, a complete stranger! Verses ran through my head but none of them seemed right. Analogies that I had heard collided together and I just sat there wishing that he had confided in someone else. I can be a very empathetic person at times; to the extent that I feel others' pain, almost as much as they feel it themselves. Some would call this shouldering anothers' burden but sometimes it gets to a point where I can't separate my own pain from theirs. I felt Josh's hurt and longing because I know exactly how it feels to project an image to everyone that is merely an illusion. He wants facts of the black and white variety and I felt my own inadequacy in providing him with answers. I didn't even have my Bible with me, for crying out loud!

I like to think that I'm good at giving advice. I may be very particular about taking advice from others but I sure do like to dish it out. I always try to point to Christ in whatever advice I'm giving but that's assuming that He is there as a reference point from which I can base my advice on. So, I listened to Josh for a long time and stumbled my way through a few Bible verses that I knew off the top of my head and referenced some stories in the Bible. I mentioned love and seasons in one's life and just left him with the knowledge that I would be praying for him. Of course the conversation we had was more complex than what I alluded to but it's hard to reproduce an hour long conversation that is already a blur in my memory. Here in this blog I can only describe accurately how I feel about this conversation. I'm certain that God will use the words that I say to some end and I can only hope that God intends for this young man to know Him in the most intimate manner possible at some point in the future.

So, I decided that prayer was the solution. If you read this blog and believe in Christ as your personal savior, etc, etc, please STOP. And pray for Josh, right now. Do it. Just entreat God for this young man's soul to be filled with the Spirit and for him to recognize how God is working in his life. The most eloquent sermon in the world cannot compare to what can be accomplished through prayer. Of this at least, I am convinced.

Til later, dear reader. Good night!

Be Strong and Do It.

As baptism is a profession of faith through physical deed, I think it's about time that I profess my desire to follow Christ with my words. I've been working here at Impact for about seven weeks now and each of those four weeks that I've actually done camp, God has taught me something about His character, His strength, His worthiness. We are actually serving those who need it most! That's exactly what God calls us to do and I'm afraid that I'm going to settle for mediocrity in my life post-college. I'm afraid that I'm not strong enough to avoid a life rich with material wealth but devoid of anything that I can give to God. I'm afraid that I might waste my life.

Ben, the camp pastor here at camp, tells this story about this mountain in Switzerland. When a snowflake falls on this mountain and melts on the left side, it joins the Rhone river; a river so toxic that you can actually develop film in it because it runs through the industrial parts of Germany. Or, if it melts on the right side of the mountain, it will join the Rhine river; a river that runs through some of the most beautiful parts of France to eventually join the crystal clear waters of the Mediterranean. God has given us the choice to be toxic or otherwise.

“And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever. Be careful now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the
sanctuary; be strong and do it.” (I Chronicles 28:9-10)

It's getting late and I'm feeling rather sentimental. I don't want this desire to be a mere feeling but rather, I want it to be something that drives me mad. I want a current to run through me, much like electricity actually. If you are struck by lightening, that energy isn't meant to stay within you; it needs somewhere to go. To mildly describe God's power, He is like a bolt of electricity.

Before this summer, I think I expressed on a few occasions how uncomfortable I felt around kids. This summer, that has totally changed. We encounter the homeowner's kids on a regular basis and I love talking to the younger kids and playing with them. Yesterday, I met a little girl named Serena. She stood out to me because she had a bowl cut similar to the one that I had when I was little. The only toy she had was a bear that a kind elderly lady from church had given her. This bear had a wedding veil and flowers. Of course! It had just gotten married! She grasped this bear tight as she praced around her dusty yard behind the trailer that they couldn't live in because it didn't have plumbing and in front of the tiny trailer that her mom, her brother and her did live in. It just broke my heart.

Speaking of my heart, I'm not usually this honest on my blog but I have to get this out. A few years ago, I went to an Intervarsity meeting where they invited a speaker to talk about sex trafficking and a home that they have for girls who were victimized by sex trafficking to recover and even have futures! However, I don't know where to start to find where I can help. I've been trying for so long to look for opportunities by myself and I'm thinking it's time that I find a mentor who can advise me and direct me towards opportunities to serve. I'm in it for the long haul. James says that "religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." It's just a matter of being strong in order to do it. Christianity is not easy and if I ever get to a point where I start to think that it is easy, I'll have some serious reevaluating to do.


Wow...not having access to facebook or my e-mail has really left me with a lot of time to blog. Maybe this should be a trend!

My Testimonizzle-- no, that's not a dirty word.

For the past four weeks of Impact, I've shared my testimony every Monday night and it has changed over the course of the summer. I spent a lot of time preparing for tonight and I actually typed it out so I thought I'd share it here--exclusive! Remember, it's a little bit different in its written format than its spoken presented format. If you feel led to share your own testimony with me, I'd love to hear it.

Raised in the Lutheran Church; baptized as an infant, confirmed at the end of 8th grade—meaning that I was considered an adult in the church. I could recite the liturgy and I knew many of the hymns that we sang almost by heart but I despised going to church because I thought it was boring. However, in reality, it was because I didn’t see the point behind the liturgy and the other parts of the worship services. I believed that God existed but I didn’t care to know anything else. I had knowledge about Christ but I certainly didn’t know Him. My “Christianity” consisted of going to church and Sunday school religiously and saying a quick prayer before dinner.

Here is where God intervened. Understand that He will pursue a relationship with you even when—especially when— you’re farthest from Him. My best friend, Jillian, moved back to my neighborhood after living in Turkey for a couple years because her mom worked for the State Department. I attended services with her a few times at her Baptist church. If you’ve never been to a traditional Lutheran service then it’s hard to understand how different Baptist services are with the contemporary music and a sermon that feels relevant… but it was through Jillian’s life that I witnessed the reality of Christ. She certainly embodied the fruits of the Spirit; a concept I didn’t understand at the time but could still sense a difference between her life and my own.

I wanted my life to look like hers and this desire grew into a prayer. I can’t remember specifically praying the sinner’s prayer and being baptized because that’s not how it works in the Lutheran church but over time, I was certain that God loved me and wanted to know me. So that’s how I first became a Christian. The verse from Romans, chapter 8, is apt here: “Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”


That’s a glimpse of what my faith looked like up until college. I decided to go to the University of Mary Washington in Fredericksburg, VA (pause for cheers from Ferry Farm) and God blessed me with Christian community in the Baptist Collegiate Ministries; something that I hadn’t before been part of to this extent. All of a sudden, I was surrounded with friends to support and encourage me towards a greater knowledge and understanding of Christ. I recommend finding a Christian ministry to plug into once you get to college because there are many options; it’s just a matter of finding one that fits.

So what is God doing in my life today? I’ve learned an incredible amount through doing Impact this summer. God has taught me a lot about what the fruits of the Spirit look like through the examples of others and through times when I have been pushed to either walk by the Spirit or ignore His urgings. Here’s the verse from Galatians that I’m referencing: “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”

The ones that stand out the most to me are joy, patience, and faithfulness. The Biblical Greek term from Paul's spiritual 'orchard' in Galatians is chara—Ben likes a splash of Greek and so do I— which can mean joy, cheer, gladness, or celebration. Joy runs deeper than mere pleasure; especially in a spiritual context, it runs deep into the the core of us, and radiates throughout. I’ve been challenged to display this cheer when it’s 5:45 AM and it’s my turn to help Nick get the ice in the coolers and then I realize, Nick does this every day and doesn’t complain. In fact, he’s a pretty happy guy when he’s doing the ice. Now that’s joy.

I’ve also been challenged this summer to display patience. The Greek term in Galatians 5:22 is makrothumia [makro- (long, distant in time or space, large-view) + thumos (passion, rage, the emotions of suffering)], with a usual meaning of having an enduringly-calm temper. Many times this summer, I’ve been pushed to the brink by something, often trivial, and I respond in a very human way. However, I’ve been convicted in this regard through the examples set by those around me. For instance, I visited a jobsite at Wise where one of the crew chiefs was willing to teach me how to nail pickets onto a wheelchair ramp and I, of course, messed up. He didn’t lose his temper; he simply helped take the nail out and showed me a better technique. These are the kinds of situations that crew chiefs encounter all the time. The Spirit counsels patience and the only way that we can attain it is through prayer. In Ephesians, Paul counsels us to “walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love.”

Finally, God has challenged me to be faithful. Going along with the theme for the week, flipped. God has flipped many of my expectations for the future. One of my best friends at school is dropping out to pursue a program in surgical technology. I’ll admit that this really shook me at first. I didn’t understand why this person in whom I placed so much value had to leave. I then realized that God is pushing me to trust in Him and no one else. He wants me to look beyond myself and what the repercussions are insomuch as they affect me and fix my gaze on Him alone. God simply tells to trust in Him and to lay our futures in His hands.

I’ll close with one of my favorite quotes by St. Francis de Sales which I actually have written down twice in my notebook: “Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow; the same everlasting Father who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. Either He will shield you from suffering, or he will give you unfailing strength to bear it.”

This just makes me laugh. A lot.

Thoughts on Impact and a Book Recommendation

Where has this month gone? On Monday, I leave for Richmond where I will spend two weeks planning and prepping for the rest of the summer. Here is my itinerary:

June 8^th (Monday) - Arrive in Richmond

June 21^st (Saturday) – Depart for first Impact Virginia! week in Wise

June 27^th (Saturday) – Depart Wise for Bluefield

July 4^th (Saturday) – Return to Richmond

July 5^th – 8^th – A little break – if you leave Richmond you will need to return by the evening of the 8^th.

July 9^th – 10^th – Prepare for next projects

July 11^th – Depart for Impact! in Abingdon

July 18^th – Depart for Impact! in Eastern Shore

July 25^th – Return to Richmond

July 26^th – 30^th – Become staff for Impact Metro! project in Richmond

July 31 – August 3^rd – Clean up, pack up, debrief, go home!

I'm really excited about everything God has planned for me this Summer. In a very strange way, it feels like Summer hasn't really officially started because I haven't left for Impact yet. Sometimes I get a bit nervous thinking about all the unexpected parts of Impact and the fact that, since I've never done Impact before or even participated in it, what if I am woefully ill-equipped to handle challenges? I don't want to let my fellow staffers down or any of the youth and most importantly, I don't want to disappoint God in this task that He has set before me. I think my best kind of ministry is one-on-one so that is how I'm going to do it; just look for the most down-trodden kid there and make them feel important and loved.

I first learned this strategy from one of my favorite books, Christy, by Catherine Marshall; Christy is a schoolteacher in a rough backwoods mountainous region and one of the young girls, Mountie O'Teale, has a speech impediment. So Christy just does little things for her like sew buttons on her jacket and read to her and give her a red scarf. These tiny bits of attention help her to overcome her speech impediment. Also, I can't help but think of the passage in scripture that instructs us to not give the rich guest any special attention when he enters our house at the expense of the poor guest. We are to honor the poor guest as much, if not more than the rich guest. So, while financial success is not an issue among youth, being rich in talents and appearance can lead to favoritism. Something I refuse to succomb to.

Dear reader, if have time between reading Christy and my blog, please drop me a note this summer! I would love to hear from you, even if it's just a few lines.

My address in Richmond. Of course most of the summer I'll be elsewhere in Virginia but it will get to me!

2828 Emerywood Parkway, Richmond, VA 23294

P.S. I also would appreciate prayers for our ministry and for us to focus on others outside ourselves entirely.

Babies are Cute After All, like Puppies

Sometime since I started college, I joined the band of those hesitant to have kids just because of the hinky dynamic that I seem to have when I try to interact with said kids. Now, I think I might be adjusting that opinion...some kids just have that effect on you. For instance, last night, I was privileged to babysit three adorable children. Okay, two were adorable; the third was easy to get along with and interested in me.

Apparently having a babysitter was a special occasion for them so they responded in typical kid fashion: going nuts. I told their parents that they were energetic, even enthusiastic! They understood the code though. The "baby" (a one-year-old) was exceptionally cute. Ryan would look at me with these wide innocent eyes and plump cheeks and say something which I could not understand in the least but would be adorable none the less because it has every aspect of baby babble with a few comprehensible words thrown in here and there. Catherine (age four, I think?) was just as precious. She was the most "enthusiastic." I wouldn't have minded if it hadn't bothered the oldest, Andrew, so much. They, in the same fashion as puppies, tumbled over each other and bounced and somersaulted all over the place with him barking at her every now and then to "stop!" or to "cut it out!"

I got a kick out of the questions that they, mainly Andrew, would ask me. He asked personal questions like, "Do you have a boyfriend?" I dubiously replied, "Not at the moment." He was pretty interested in the fact that I'm going to study abroad in England. "So she's going to live there?" He directed the question to his mom but since she was trying to head out the door to a wine and cheese tasting at the church with her husband, she replied, "yes, you can ask Claire all about that." Somehow, the conversation didn't turn in that direction again.

Exactly how does it feel when your brain melts?

I'm pretty sure I have a good idea of how that feels since I finished my sophomore year. College pushes me to read difficult literature and exposes me to new concepts and worldviews; not that I change my own worldview entirely upon exposure but I certainly modify it to accommodate for the new ideas and/or information.

I will confess that I watched three straight hours of SNL clips on Hulu yesterday. Yes, I was entertained but I felt this wet sensation on my shoulders and promptly realized that my brain was leaking out of my ears and dribbling down my neck towards my shoulders. Twas a strange feeling to know that you are losing brain mass and the only thing that you can do is immerse yourself in deep philosophic literature. Did I do that? Nope. Instead, I watched The Office and 30Rock (which were hilarious!)

The whole trouble is setting deadlines for myself so that I can actually focus. When I took British Victorian Novel this past Spring, I had daily assignments for myself that I could feasibly reach in one day. Those little flourescent pink and green tabs kept me on track (for the most part) so that I was able to get the reading done. I was also pretty discouraged when I started reading The Shack a few days ago, got almost half of it done, and realized that I didn't think the book worth finishing. Its theology was just little too much like Oprah's for my tastes.

So, I examine my bookshelf to see what options I have. I could reread Christy by Catherine Marshall. Or, I could read any one of these options:

• Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
• Emma by Jane Austen
• Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller
• David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
• Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand

It would be nice just to know automatically which of these I would like to read most but alas, I am overloaded by quality literature and time to read said literature. I really would like to read Wilke Collins' The Moonstone but I had to leave it at Riverby Books in downtown Fredericksburg. Any opinions or suggestions are very welcome!

Until next time, dear reader.

LOVE STORY (Taylor Swift) meets VIVA LA VIDA (Coldplay) - Piano Cello - by Jon Schmidt

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0v3d6SFcDys

Taylor Swift meets Coldplay. Thought this would be a good one to share!

Mmm, Finals, End of Year, all that Stuff

Alas. I have arrived at the end of another beautiful academic year. Yes, dear reader, next year, I will officially be a JUNIOR and proud of it! Things I am looking forward to:

• Studying abroad in Bath, England
• Traveling a lot while abroad
• Living in an apartment with two of my favorite people: KJo and Sadie
• Junior Ring Week (we'll see how this one turns out...)
• Rings!
• Being done with almost all my Gen Eds (argh French, one more semester)
• New freshman, not that I'm tired of the old ones but it is time for some fresh ones
• Seeing what happens with the BCM and hopefully being instrumental in the changes that are coming
• Opportunities for future classes with Rafferty, Lorentzen, Harding, and McAllister (yes, I am an English geek)
• Autumn in Bath
• Spring at UMW
• Writing many letters and sending many postcards to friends back home (I'm so going to be broke from postage costs!)
• Receiving letters from friends back home!
• Going to see live soccer matches in England
• Exploring the places where J.R.R Tolkien and C.S. Lewis and J.K. Rowling and Shakespeare and Jane Austen walked and...wrote (the geek has reappeared)
• Talking to friends on skype
• Growing in my relationship with Christ and learning more about Him and how He pervades my life.

So I guess this post hasn't really been about finals-- I got distracted. Instead of spending this time to reflect on the past few months, I look forward to the futures and all the possibilities therein.

My address in Bath is...
Claire Cecil
c/o Advanced Studies in England,
Nelson House
2 Pierrepont Street
Bath BA1 1LB, England

The Importance of Being...Studious?

Where to begin? I really don't like to complain, mainly because I can't stand hearing others complain but (and I know this doesn't justify complaining here but--) why does it have to be so darn beautiful the weekend before final exams?!?

Even as I sit here desperately trying to work, hence the blogging, I can't help but look out the window that my desk faces at the idyllic scene. I've found myself using that word quite frequently of late: "oh look at that idyllic spot over there," I said yesterday to my friend Liz. Apparently, I did not notice the little colored landscaping markers that also dotted the scene which she so kindly pointed out to me. I only saw the dappled light streaming through the branches onto the verdant green grass and the blossoms on the trees undulating in the breeze. I try not to notice all the scantily clad young women who trounce around out campus in bikini's. Bikini's, for crying out loud! The only way to show more flesh is to be naked.

So yesterday I did approximately no work. Sometimes I pretended to do work which counts for some individuals. But now, I am at a point where I need to study...for French. French is a language that I actually enjoy learning about and there are some aspects of its grammar that I find fun but I do not enjoy being tested on it. Tests imply that you know every nuance of every grammatical exception which I find hard to cram into my brain. Hence the studying. And the blogging.

I saw The Importance of Being Earnest for the first time the other day and I can't think of many other movies that have made me laugh that hard! I really want to read the play now...no, must focus! Anyways, I brought that up so I could preface the clever quote from that movie and include it in my blog:
"Lady Bracknell: To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness."

[and one more for kicks]
Jack: Good heavens, I suppose a man may eat his own muffins in his own garden.
Algy: But you have just said it was perfectly heartless to eat muffins!
Jack: I said it was perfectly heartless of YOU under the circumstances. That is a very different thing.
Algy: That may be, but the muffins are the same!

I love procrastinating with my blog

The weather today has been nothing short of gorgeous:

The blossoms on the trees are ripe and flutter down like snow.
When the breeze draws through the branches, it tenderly caresses every bough.

(the rhyming was unintentional, I swear!)

When I Go Down

Ever heard of last.fm? It's basically my source of music and oftentimes, inspiration. I like to listen to "Jon Foreman" radio because I get to listen to a vast array of both Christian and secular artists. Also, it isn't really that mainstream typical music that you would hear on the radio. I like being exposed to the atypical music; it keeps me from becoming jaded. If you see me sitting at my computer with my headphones on, doubtless, I am listening to last.fm. (Note: I was not paid for this advertisement but if executives of this website happen to see this post, I take cash and personal checks paid out to "Claire Cecil".)

Here is a song that really struck me that I hadn't ever heard before with commentary in italics:

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I can totally relate to the last two lines of this song. I really am powerless to dictate my own moods. External circumstances cast a shade over every glimmer of happiness and then-- I realize, happiness is not my object in life. If it was...no, I'm just glad it isn't. I seek JOY and it is my certainty in my God that gives me this.

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

This oftentimes is how I deal with problems; I ignore them and they fester and worsen. I'm not really sure how to resolve conflict because I really don't like confrontation. I do pray that they would just disappear but that's not resolution.

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If only I had fought them. Regret can be overwhelming. It consumes our present and makes the pain so much more poignant.

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

Thank God for peace...

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

I really have thrown away so many friendships. While I often feel regretful over this, God never intends for us to wallow in our wretchedness. He has redeemed us from that!

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

God's love is more powerful than anything else. He lifts me out of the pit!

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

On blogging

Now, since I have prefaced the title of this post with an ambiguous "On blogging," I am now at liberty to take it wherever my heart so desires. What does my heart desire, you ask? (If you didn't ask that question then you have my permission to stop reading this now, no really, stop.)

In my creative writing, non-fiction class yesterday, we spent most of class just talking and since I'm pretty sure I have the most hilarious professor in the world, I had a brilliant time.
Things we discussed:

• How there is a romance novel called Bachelor on the Prowl in which there is a character called Colin Rafferty, yes that is my professor's name. Then, the best part is that a middle aged female classmate of mine piped up with a "oh I thought your name sounded familiar!"
• We watched a Spanish voice-over of the sham-wow commercial and that launched us into a discussion about the economy. Colin, the eternal optimist, said that he thinks the economy is getting better because he found spare change on the road again. "Who picks up pennies? Me and a bunch of seventy-year-old's."
• We also watched a Fragglerock you-tube video with some random song playing; I think it was "Who Let the Dogs Out." Because Muppets (or whatever these things are called) can only form the vowel sounds, we project whatever other sounds that we hear onto them. Yes, I know, brilliant! The male classmates to my left were astonished to find out that I never watched Fragglerock (or whatever) as a child. I lived in a box.
• Somehow, we launched into a discussion about spam e-mails from Nigerian princes and how (those this fact is unverified) there is money set aside in the national budget for this scam. All I could think about was that line from 30Rock where Tracy Jordan says, "Now that we've helped those Nigerian princes..." It comes really quickly but if you catch it, it's hilarious!
  
• Then, logically, we discussed identity theft. Colin told us how he had his credit card number stolen when he stayed at a DaysInn in Charlotte, NC ("the armpit of the south," he was kidding.) He got the bill and after the charge for the hotel, there were hundreds of dollars of ChinaStar charges. Yikes.
• Somewhere in this conversation, we also discussed his contract renewal which decides if he gets to teach at UMW in the future. For his sake as well as the sake of future students, I hope it gets renewed.

So, you may be asking yourself, what the crap? Why would they waste all that class time? Well, whenever we have a class that is set up in that way, there is always a point. He was literally illustrating the concept of the personal essay which can be about whatever we want it to be about, as long as it's interesting. Everything in an essay of this nature must be correlated; hence the conversation we had in class. It seemed very random but in reality, it was all connected somehow.

Every subject that was brought up was connected in some way to the subject before it. I titled this post, "On blogging" to show an example of a title of a personal essay. It could be "On noses" or "On women's basketball." I shall end with a sigh and an expressed wish to have Colin Rafferty as my professor, well, forever!

I think it's finally over

My birthday, that is. Last night, Katie and I were finally able to dig in to the coconut cake that I had made the day before. Pretty sad that I had to make my own b-day cake-- Well, that's not true, this is my second cake since the church that brought 5Alive dinner brought me a cake as well. I guess I'm spoiled afterall!

Prayer request: Patrick is still in the hospital and it looks like he's going to be there through Tuesday. Prayers are greatly appreciated!

Obama came to visit Walter Reed the other day on the floor directly above Patrick. Despite our general disgust for the mans politics, we still think it's pretty cool that the President was so close by...

The Mission Trip to D.C. went very well. I have to say it was the most unique MT that I have ever taken. Eric, the one who coordinated the activities for the week, was trying to show us the diversity of mission work and that it's not just getting your fingernails dirty, it's about serving in any capacity, even through the Legislature!

The good. The bad. And the-- yeah, yeah, you get the point.

Here are a few updates in my life (after all, that's part of the reason why this blog exists, right? Th other reason is to make a record of all the jokes that aren't really funny but need a home anyways) :

While things are starting to speed up in terms of school work (midterms and papers, ach), other things are starting to wind down. It's hard for me to articulate exactly what I mean by that but I'm just feeling a general stupor draw over many aspects of my life. Much of that stupor is intentional but some I've just stumbled into without meaning to at all...

I have heard back from YouthWorks and they have decided not to hire me. Rather than be in a state of denial about the whole thing, I've decided that it's healthier to trust in my heavenly Father who has a purpose and a plan for every second of time that He has allowed me to be on this earth. So, I'm not denying that this news was very upsetting and disconcerting but it's obvious that God does not intend for me to spend my summer that way. He's shown me time and again that when one seemingly perfect "plan" goes awry, He has another far better plan already in the works.

The result of this news? I am applying to many scholarships right now to alleviate some of the excess that study abroad will incur. I am very excited about that season in my life! It's impossible for them to not accept me into the program...after all, they ask, will you shell over loads of cash towards our program? Yes. You're in. And that's how it works.

One last thing. My 20th birthday is next week! This may seem like good news. Ladies and gentlemen are riveted to their seats kind of news but alas, my birthday falls during midterms. Hoorah! Not really... I myself have a paper due the following day and a midterm the day after that. I'm starting to wonder if I really have time to celebrate at all... Oh well, it's not like I'm turning 21 or anything important like that!

This is one of those "God Rocks" kinds of posts

I am truly in awe of everything that God is doing in my life. He has given me peace about so many things:

1) Katie M. becoming a Christian. This is something that I saw as part of a vague, distant future but for it to happen last night (I'm really regretting not skipping the SYE meeting to go) at the Revival is incredible. This means I officially have a new sister! I want to get to know her more as a person (not because she's now a Christian) but because I think she's a pretty great gal!

2) This one is still a work in progress: YouthWorks. Yes, I am still in the process of waiting to find out whether or not I'm hired but God is giving me peace about the whole thing. Regardless of what happens, I know that God has a great plan for me this summer and will use me wherever He puts me. I'm still experiencing some anxiety (kind of like the anxiety you got when you were waiting for college acceptance/rejection letters) but slowly God is taking that anxiety and turning it into a greater sense of trust in His perfect plan.

3) I finally have been consistent with my QT's. This is not really a normal thing for me because it was never really been part of my Christian education (Sunday School and confirmation). I'm not saying that I don't incorporate prayer into my life on a daily basis but when prayer is not accompanied by God's word, it becomes very shallow and self-centered. I'm reading a few Psalms every night; not in any particular order but whatever part of Psalms I happen to flip open to, I read. His word pierces me and convicts me every time. A few verses from Psalms that especially stood out to me are:

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all those who practice it have a good understanding.
His praise endures forever!
Psalm 111:10

Know that the Lord, he is God!
It is he who made us, and we are his; [or and not we ourselves]
we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Psalm 100:3

Splendor and majesty are before him;
strength and beauty are in his sanctuary.
Psalm 96:6

Take a few moments to reflect on these verses and thank God for who He is because after all, God rocks!

WHY am I such an idiot? (Please don't disagree with me here)

So I think I might have set a record today; at least for myself. I broke not one but two phones in the course of three hours. Here's what happened (I sound like Monk when I say that...). I was thinking about how I was expecting a call on my cell phone on Monday to found out if I'm hired for my summer job when it hit me. My phone is currently in the spin cycle of the washing machine.

I race downstairs hoping to prove myself wrong but instead I'm confirmed in my suspicions. I reach inside the washer, pull out the phone that is making a loud humming noise and proceed to open it up. Of course it's waterlogged and when I press the ON button, the screen flashes at me as if lightening is caught inside.

"MOM..." I wail in despair " I think I broke my phone," showing her the phone that is now buzzing even louder. "Take the battery out and let it dry. I've dropped many a phone in the toilet and all it takes is waiting for it to dry out." I take the battery out of the phone and the humming ceases at least then flinging the phone onto the desk, I sigh in defeat.
"Annie has that phone that Jessica just gave her. It has a keypad and everything." 'Hm.' I think 'one of Jessica's cast-offs...this has potential.' Jessica is the type of girl whose phone is replaced by her parents about every three to six months. She decks it out with ringtones, backgrounds, you name it, she has it.

Mom tells me that it's in Annie's room somewhere. I head upstairs to her room to look for it. After plundering her drawers in the search, Mom finds it on the table in the upstairs hallway. I seize it my hands. It's even better than I imagined it. This phone has dozens of ring tones (a few that I actually like but the fact that it can make noise when people call is what fascinates me; my old lemon that just took a ride in the washing machine became incapable of ringing about a week after I got it.)

I start fiddling with the settings and the keypad that pulls out and the backgrounds. The phone also came with two protective "skins"; one red and one black. Since the phone has a few minor scratches on it, I try out the red skin first. That's when I decide that black would probably look better. However, I can't get the first skin off at all. I practically rip off my fingernails in the process of trying to get the darn thing off and the bottom half eventually does come off. The top half is more difficult. Straining with my nails and pushing against the phone's screen is too much for it. The screen cracks from the inside...'Oh no, I'm screwed.'

Yes, I will spare my readers from the drama that inevitably follows an event such as this. Annie yelling at me, me internally yelling at myself...so on and so forth...

I did however purchase a new phone for myself because Annie at least has a phone at present and I do not. Some things take precedence. I ordered it off ebay and just hope and pray that it works. Here's a picture:

They won't even see it coming

The cockroaches I mean. Just yesterday, I was minding my own business (reading Bleak House, of course) when a creature of magnificent proportions scuttled across the floor of my dorm room. I freaked out. Yes, the girlish scream and the standing on furniture and all that. This is the same girl who used to go kill the evil crickets for my older sister when we were younger. Maybe it's just the fact that cockroaches are really, really icky (for lack of a more apt word). This one, whom I have named King Creeper III, had the nerve to come out in full daylight into the very center of the carpet!

So amidst my screaming and Ashley (my roommate) telling me to calm down, it scuttles off to the edge of the carpet. Ashley, cup in hand, tells me grab a paper so that she can capture the thing. THIS IS WAR. There are no prisoners of war in this battle; I want blood. I grab part of the worship bulletin from Sunday's service at New Life, hand it to her, and she approaches the King slowly...that's when he scurries away into Ashley's closet. EW. So I'm tricked into thinking that the pestilence is contained...WRONG. I'm told later that cockroaches can easily creep underneath doors or any small entrance. Oh yeah, to make things even better, I'm told that for every cockroach you see, there are about 60-1,000 of his friends who are also making their residence close by.

As I write this, I am furiously stamping my feet and have all the lights on because according to my research, cockroaches don't like light or noise. You can imagine how much I was stamping when I was actually conducting the research and looking at the pictures and learning their habits (whoever said that these critters are clean creatures lied; they are not).

I have a solution; much akin to the Final Solution but with a much better end in mind. I found (also on wikipedia) a trap that is really inexpensive to make called the Vegas roach trap: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vegas_roach_trap I can't wait to finish eating the pickles I have in the fridge so I can actually make one.

ARGH. How did I let myself get here? I need to read 70 pages of Bleak House tonight! Yikes and good night.

Church Shopping

The sanctuary is already warm from all the people crammed together; it seems closer when you notice all the wide gestures and people scrambling to find seats near their family and friends. They are laughing and the band has already begun to play praise and worship music; you can hear the flute mingling with the piano and the drums. Then, the pastor leaps on to the raised platform; his face is flushed and you can tell that he’s trying to draw everyone’s attention to the front. At first, they ignore him and continue to talk; then, finally, when he folds his hands together and starts to rock on his heels, the murmurs cease and the praise music draws to a close as well. He scans the audience quickly and thunders out, “Welcome to New City Fellowship!” You wonder why you are sitting in the seat by the aisle directly in the center of the room when he asks all first time visitors present to stand up. A woman with an enormous grin stretched across her face hands you a navy blue folder and shakes your hand. Blushing, you accept the folder and sit down as quickly as courtesy requires.

Shopping for a new church never fails to be a humiliating experience. In their hurry to welcome you, they invite you to dinners and a bible study that just started and smile at you. A lot. In other words, they expect you to stick around; they expect you to make a commitment. Yep, you got it, the c-word. Joining a church or regular attendance at a church is like signing a contract. Not the typical kind of contract that you would see in a housing agreement but a contract in which you are making an emotional agreement. They expect to see you at least once a week and learn about who you are and what God is teaching you in your life. You’ve done this before at other churches though or at least you’ve tried to. There was that Lutheran church freshman year which you had no transportation to or friends attending; then there was that one Sunday at Grace Church (way too Pentecostal for your tastes); then there was the Fairview Baptist Church downtown which you liked but when it split into two churches, you left with your friends; then there was Spotswood, a mega-church with an awesome Sunday school teacher, when he left, things just went downhill from there; then finally, here you are, church shopping once again (or as your friend Ryan says in his lisping voice, “Now I have to go church shopping instead of club hopping!” You don’t really get it either).

Praise and worship is at its peak. The pianist sways a bit to the music as if she is caught in some kind of invisible current. You are surprised by the diverse music selection as you attempt to sing a song in Swahili. They are all so enthusiastic. You notice this one woman who is standing in the row of chairs near the front; she has on a tailored white suit and her dark hands are lifted high in worship. Sunlight that is streaming in through the glass door in the front of the sanctuary lends a somewhat ethereal light to her figure. You sense peace and joy in this congregation. When Pastor Bob Becker mounts the raised platform at the front to deliver the sermon, “Our Obedience and Fearing God,” his gray-brown mustache quivers with excitement. Several times during the sermon, he calls out, “Can I get an amen to that?” and several members of the congregation eagerly pipe up, “Amen!” the more eager ones adding a “Hallelujah” to that.

There was a study done a while back which concluded that one individual can only form meaningful relationships with seven other people at one time. Joining a church is the equivalent of attempting to establish meaningful relationships with about three times what the study concluded. Of course, the only meaningful relationship that the church serves to facilitate is the one with Christ but then you have to add all the people who make up the congregation into the equation. Gandhi understood what makes it so complicated, “Oh, I don't reject your Christ. I love your Christ. It's just that so many of you Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Learning to accept that humans are prone to err in this life is difficult; thus you shop for church that is “perfect,” an impossible task you realize as the pastor stands once again on the raised platform after you and the rest of the congregation have finished singing “Power in the Blood.” He lifts wide his hands and extends an invitation to those who need prayers of healing to stay in the sanctuary at the service’s conclusion. You never thought about becoming a Presbyterian before but after this morning, you are considering it.

a "clean" joke

The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story:

"I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.

As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned.

Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"

"So I took up a collection."


This is definitely a hardy har har moment but I enjoyed it!

How do you Know You’re Meeting a Crazy? You Don’t

Astronauts are the modern scientific celebrities of our time. They are the explorers into new terrains; they are the delegates of their country, the flag bearers, and the heroes. They go into space with no guarantee of ever coming back; we were reminded of that by the 1986 Space Shuttle Challenger crash, a disaster that resulted in the deaths of seven crew members. That in mind, astronauts perhaps can even be seen as dare devils. Six-year old “Tommy” says he’s going to be Evel Knievel when he grows up; “Michael”, Tommy’s friend, says he’s going to be Neil Armstrong (as if to one-up Tommy.) For whatever reason, almost everyone, at some point in their childhood, fantasizes about joining these elite ranks. Now to meet one of these heroes is almost like meeting a celebrity on the red carpet; a moment to glimpse and perhaps even talk to someone who had seen Earth as a god would, a large bluish green marble fired from somewhere in the eternal distance that is the universe. I stumbled into one of these meetings but little did I know what was to come a few weeks after that evening with the astronaut, Lisa Nowak.

My older sister, Kelly, had invited me to the National Women Service Academy Conference sometime in December or January of my senior year of high school. Kelly was in her “plebe” year at the United States Military Academy and since she had spent the previous year at a prep school in Marion, Alabama, our opportunities to spend time together were few. The conference brought female cadets from all of the service academies to Washington D.C. to hear the inspiring story of a graduate of the Naval Academy, attend a banquet, and escape for a little while from the regimen and structure that is Academy life. Kelly and I saw it as a means of seeing each other so I, a suburbanite of the metropolitan area, braved the traffic of I-95 in order to attend the conference and spend some time with my sister.

The conference took place at a new museum erected in order to honor women who have served in the armed forces. There, surrounded by busts of female soldiers who died in the line of duty, we ate crab cakes, salad, rolls, and cheesecake for dessert. A sea of women in uniform were our dinner companions. Many times that night, I was asked, “So are you going to West Point as well?” I just bit my lip to force back a sharp retort. I had heard that question many times before and it never ceased to irritate me. My dad is a West Point graduate of the class of 1979 and every time I’d reveal that to someone, the next question that they would pose to me, the high school senior, would inevitably be, “So are you going to West Point as well?” I would then shake my head emphatically, my grin a mask to the vexation that I really felt; I didn’t want to be rude.
The speaker that evening was Lisa Nowak, the much-admired U.S. Naval Academy graduate turned astronaut. I was looking forward to her speech as I sat down in the small, dark auditorium next to my sister. She stepped onto the stage with a confident smile and waved to the audience. Our applause died away as she stood at the podium, poised to speak. If I remember correctly, she spoke about her career, her experience as an astronaut, something about female heroism (considering the audience was largely comprised of females), and her close knit family life. I was entranced by this woman’s confidence; her hands would often pound the podium for emphasis and she seemed to be making eye contact with everyone in the room at once.

I often wondered if she was aware that just by being an astronaut, she was a celebrity, one I was determined to meet. Her speech ended, everyone applauded and stood up to leave. I grabbed Kelly’s hand and weaved my way delicately through the crowd; it’s not the easiest thing in the world to maneuver through a crowd in a khaki skirt and dress shirt. Finally we made it to the front. There was already a line formed of people waiting to speak to her. I was a bit impatient while we stood there, not wanting to lose this rare opportunity. When it was Kelly and I’s turn at last, I mutely held out the large glossy photo of her in her astronaut’s uniform which had somehow found its way into my hands. She signed it in large black scrawl and handed it back to me. I managed to stammer out, “it-it’s such an honor to meet you. I’m so inspired by your story.” My cheeks were flaming and for some reason that I can’t explain, my hands were shaking as well. I don’t remember exactly what she said but it was surprisingly dismissive. I felt embarrassed and a bit humiliated. I don’t say this to villanize her considering the aftermath of our meeting but I simply mean to describe to the fullest extent, our brief exchange.

A few weeks or maybe even a month after the conference, news headlines raged about a U.S. astronaut who had driven across the country wearing the diapers that astronauts wear during take-off and landing to kidnap a love rival. That astronaut was Lisa Nowak. My government teacher, Mr. Prowell, had a good long rant about how this is another indicator of the state of the world. In his lisping voice, he came to the conclusion that our puritanistic morals have created a rigid code of behavior that dictates what is and isn’t acceptable in our society (or something like that.) By this time, Lisa Nowak had national infamy. I reluctantly admitted that I had met her a few weeks prior to a few people and that I even had her autographed photo. That photo looks remarkably different from the one that was featured next to all the headlines: her hair mousy and disheveled, her forehead deeply creased, and no smile on her lips. I don’t know why she did what she did but I will say this, I did not see this coming. I will end with a fine maxim: how do you know you’re meeting a crazy? You don’t.